Letter about forgiveness

Our modern psychology places so much emphasis on the nurturing capabilities of parents and the effects on the child's psyche. I do feel that this is extraordinarily narrow thinking since significant others in a child's life include siblings, grandparents and other rellies, day carers and teachers.
Additional to these relationship experiences is the relationship of the child with the community.
My personal process in my life journey has now reached the stage of coming to terms with my childhood experience of covert exclusion from community. There will no doubt be quite some forgiveness work to be explored here.
I've been reminded recently that a wounding experience in childhood often leads an adult life of exceptional motivation to both heal that wound within self and assist others of similar experience to do so as well. And so, I've spent a lot of years now working on woundings at a personal level and very involved in activities that encourage cohesive joyful loving community.
But how to complete the forgiveness process when the exclusion I experienced as a child was a result of the religious prejudices of a highly conservative community directed against my parents? I just "happened" to be tarred with the same brush by birth.
Claiming the feelings of shame and loneliness as a child is my pathway of healing. I also see that I am able to better understand the pressures that my parents experienced, and how this has impacted on their capacity and ability to nurture their children.
So it seems very important to me now that we explore our childhood experiences within the context of the tone of the community in which we were raised.
I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences of community in childhood and how this has shaped their lives.
Please do share this email with the forgiveness network.
Warm regards
Ilyhana

Forgiveness

I enjoy reading about forgiveness. I love hearing people tell me what benefit they have obtained from forgiving. Sometimes I spend time being a spectator instead of forgiving people in my own life and getting the benefits for myself. There are still people who I could forgive. I could also be more forgiving of myself

Friendship and forgiveness go hand in hand.

Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. If I can't forgive myself, I can't fully forgive others and I can't truly be a friend.

When to forgive

I live a busy life. There are so many things to do that I have to leave many actions that I want to take until another day. I am learning which tasks can be left undone, and which ones need to be done immediately. Sometimes I learn the hard way. I did not feel like forgiving him - especially after what he had done to me and my family. I did not want to hear from him ever again. I hated him. Then I got a phone call from a friend. I was shocked when she told me that he had died. I did not expect to feel that way. I would have expected to be glad. I still hated what he did, but I wished that he hadn't died. What had I been doing all those years? I had been thinking hateful thoughts about him in my mind. It had been costing me my energy, vitality and peace of mind. What could I have I done different? I could have forgiven him and used my mind more productively. While he was still alive, I could have let him know how his actions impacted on my family and me. I don't know if that would have made a difference though it would be better than just thinking in my own mind. I have learned to give forgiveness a higher priority in my life.

Forgiveness is one of the steps of the 12 step recovery program.

There are other steps to be taken first before getting to the step of forgiveness.With most cases of addiction, both the person with the addiction and those affected - family, friends and workmates - need to take the same steps. Forgiving does not mean condoning destructive behavior or allowing abuse to continue. Forgiving does include letting go of past hurts and resentments. Forgiving allows us to be able to move on to a better outcome much more quickly and easily. It is an action that you can take yourself any time. You can forgive yourself. You can forgive the other person. When I find forgiving myself difficult (which happens often for me) I usually find that I am blaming myself for what happened instead of taking responsibility for doing something about it. Blaming rarely produces desired outcomes, love or affinity. When I stop blaming, I can then forgive.

Forgiving makes being with "difficult people" enjoyable.

Some of my friends have at times complained that certain people are difficult to be with. One of my friends began to do some forgiveness exercises. The following week she was happy to report that she was no longer finding her boss difficult to be with. I had also been practicing a forgiveness process myself, and have also noticed that I no longer have much difficulty being with those people I was previously finding frustrating to be with. I feel relieved, knowing that I do not have to change these people to make them enjoyable to be with. I simply need to make my own changes in the way I think of these people. By accepting, appreciating and forgiving them, I can enjoy the times I am with them.

Thanks for forgiveness

Many friends have shared their experiences of forgiveness with me. I have published much of what my friends are willing to have published. I have also written about my own experiences of forgiving, and enjoy the feedback that I receive. The thanks for the enjoyable articles. Emails about articles that have been helpful. People sharing about what they have learned or been inspired to forgive. And additional emails about forgiveness that I can post on the web. As I read that feedback, I believe even more strongly that sharing forgiveness is a worthwhile pursuit.

I thought I had learned how to forgive

As I read about the benefits of forgiveness, I wondered why I was not having the harmonious relationships, peace and happiness that is promised. I thought about doing more work on forgiveness. I began reading about Forgiveness and doing some of the exercises and realized that I need to continually work on forgiving to receive the benefits. Having started doing that, I am now looking forward to contacting some people from my past, this time with a more accepting and forgiving attitude.

Forgiveness and self expression

We limit our self expression by not forgiving.
Whatever we do impacts other people as well as affecting ourselves. Often the effect of our actions is not what we expected. If we are to live and learn, we will often cause both desired and undesired results.
We could choose to limit our self expression, thus limiting both our desired results and our undesired outcomes.
Or we can forgive ourselves and others for undesired outcomes, and live our lives more fully.

Forgiving is easier if we take care of our health

If we are in pain, stressed or ill we may find much more difficulty in letting go of our past hurts and resentments. Joe from Joes organic markets believes that we do not have to suffer so much from disease if we care for ourselves, our families and the whole world family by eating healthy food that is free from poisons. We can also think thoughts that are free of fear and greed, allowing us to enjoy life more. Instead of working long hours just for the money, we can be free to contribute to others and spend time with each other. Regardless of whether we start by taking care of our health making forgiveness easier, or start with forgiveness making our physical and emotional health better, we can enjoy life more by forgiving.

Forgive and move forward

From page 46 of "A Little Book of Things that Work" Relationship with the Past The past will have good and bad bits in it.Come to terms with the fact that the past has gone.Carrying a chip on your shoulder is a heavy burden for yourself more than anyone else.A wise person once said, "Resentment is the poison you drink in the hope of killing someone else."Are you carrying baggage?Forgive and move forward.

Why wait until somebody dies before forgiving them?

I often did not forgive people who I believed did not treat me the way I thought they should. I thought my mother should have been more loving towards me. I also agreed with my mother that my father should have been more involved in our family. I did speak with my mother about my upbringing, and as she was still alive, she gave me the opportunity to hear her side of the story - an opportunity I would have missed if I had left it until later. I did not completely forgive her, even though I began to understand her much more. It was not until after my father's death that I really found out more about my parents. I appreciate their efforts in my upbringing and the strengths that they have given me. I also understand more about my parents' values, and realize that I could have been much more forgiving when I confronted them toward the end of their lives. I can forgive myself for treating them with less compassion than I could have, just as I can forgive others who find forgiving their parents difficult. I can not go back and change what I did, but I can from now on be more willing to forgive.

Forgiveness makes learning and growing possible.

I learn from my mistakes. When I do not forgive myself for making mistakes, then I find learning very difficult and painful. The truth is that I make mistakes. If I try to not make mistakes, I often find my efforts just result in disappointment. By putting my focus on not making mistakes, my attention is distracted from the task that I am learning. By accepting that I make mistakes, I can manage many of the risks of what I do. For example I would not pretend that I could drive in fast traffic until I had mastered driving in less difficult conditions. I could also forgive others for making mistakes, allowing them to learn from their experience and maintaining my friendship with them. When I am less forgiving I lose friendship, and I do not grow.

"I have forgiven him but I still feel angry about him. I cannot condone what he did and the impact that his actions had on my daughter."

Are those the words of somebody who has fully forgiven? I ask myself if I have any people in my own life that I still feel the same way about. I am tempted to say no - I have forgiven everybody in my life, yet if I am more honest with myself, I admit that I could forgive more. I think of people and organizations that I remember from the past, and realize that I still have more forgiving to do.