Forgiveness improves your smile.

As I progress through the process of forgiveness, I have noticed that people smile at me a lot more than I have previously noticed. Some of my friends who are also writing forgiveness letters and doing other work on forgiveness also are getting more peace and joy in their lives.

Is it possible to be too forgiving?

I read of a comment that people can be too forgiving. I do not believe that it is possible to be too forgiving. I do however know of several traps. I can forgive the other person and not forgive myself. I may forgive intellectually yet still have unresolved emotions of anger, hurt and pain.These two traps are so common that I find there are only a small number of people who do not tend to pull myself and other people into the trap. Until recently, I was one of the worst offenders. I was unforgiving of my mistakes. I was unwilling to allow myself or others to express anger, and that suppression often caused destructive outbursts or self sabotage in stead of powerful resolution of problems.I think that it would be difficult for many people to really understand these traps, and would be likely to believe that others can be too forgiving. They could think that by judging others that way, they would be able to justify their own unforgiveness. They would also be surrounded by many like minded people who agree with them.

I forgave him for being late, but he still keeps being late nearly every day.

Forgiving a person may give them an opportunity to easily change their behavior. Yet it is possible that he may continue to do the very same thing that you forgave him for. I see the purpose of forgiveness to be much greater than changing another person's behavior. For me, forgiveness gives me an opportunity to put aside my anger, resentment, fears expectations of the other person so I can think clearly and communicate effectively. I can then create workable agreements in stead of blaming somebody else for my upset. If I want to be on time, I could be responsible for that by making arrangements so I will not be delayed even if he does turn up late. Not only would I be on time regardless of whether he was late. I would also be allowing him to be responsible for his own schedule.

Expect to to forgive more, not less.

I used to believe that as I learned and grew, that I would become more perfect, make less mistakes and not have to forgiven as much. I have attempted to be "good" however I discovered that not everybody agrees on what is good or bad. I have also tried to avoid upsetting people. I learned that while there is value in being considerate to others, there are many times that I need to speak up at the risk of somebody getting upset. Only by doing that can we learn and grow. I will need to be forgiven for the times that I have caused hurt or pain. Friends, family and other people will also need to be forgiven as they learn and grow. The more willing we are to forgive, the more we can all learn and grow.

Forgiveness comes in several flavors

There is the bland taste of partial forgiveness. When I have not fully forgiven, and am to some extent still judging or criticizing myself or another person.
The sickly sweet taste of "forgiving" without facing the truth about what happened. I experience this when I ignore the impact of what happened. For example when I do not confront issues such as destructive behavior. It is also similar when I justify or make excuses for what happened.
The tainted bitter taste of "forgiveness" being used as a tool to covertly judge or criticize. If I say I forgive somebody for what they have done to me, there is a big difference if my attitude is more a judgmental attitude than a forgiving one. I need to be aware of the way I say the words that follow "I forgive him for". Is there bitterness expressed in those words? I may need to work more on forgiving.
The delicious taste of wholehearted complete forgiveness. The pleasure and joy and freedom of truly putting the past into the past. The appreciation and acceptance of myself and others in the present moment.

Why isn't my mind as forgiving as my body?

I cut my finger when I was using a trimming knife. It was only a small cut, and it healed completely in a few days. Yet I had thoughts about how careless I had been for much longer. My body has also healed with time from some bigger injuries. A broken bone was healed in a few months yet some things that my mother did, I had not forgiven her for over half a century. Just little things like not giving me the sort of sandwiches that other boys enjoyed in their school lunches. I didn't take responsibility for doing anything about changing the situation at the time. I was acting as a victim. I never said anything to her about it. I could have requested something different from my mum. Or at school I could have swapped a sandwich or two. I chose to blame her instead for my not enjoying my lunch times. I could have healed my pain much earlier in my life. She hated wastefulness. To throw out perfectly good bread just because it was not fresh would have been inconsistent with her values. I could have acknowledged her before she died for being true to her values. I could have forgiven her for not giving me the luxury of really tasty lunches. By forgiving her earlier in life I could have freed myself to enjoy more little luxuries in my own life. I can forgive myself for discarding stale bread!

"Forgive and Forget? We Don't Think So!"

by Susie and Otto Collins
In every relationship you're involved in, it's inevitable that
something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be
upset or angry with the other person or the other person will be
upset with you. Many of us try to forget what has happened to us
without really taking the time to address the issue. We believe that
in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.

Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget"
something, the more you end up focusing on it?

If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think
of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how
hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking
about the color blue.

The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation
that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you
just can't seem to do it. You think you've forgotten but it's come
back up in other ways.

We believe that instead of forgetting, you have to forgive and let go.

Many people write to us wanting to know how they can forgive when
they have been wronged--a spouse cheated on them; they've been abused
in one way or another; or maybe their feelings have been hurt and
they don't feel loved or valued.

What we have found is that the process of healing a relationship
requires more than forgiveness. You must also let go.

But let go of what?

In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving
someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.
The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be
justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to
be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past
fear.

So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually
doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but
it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.

Eckhart Tolle in his book "The Power of Now" talks about how to let
go of negativity and we think that the same holds true for letting go
of attachments-Tolle says to let go of negativity "by dropping it.
How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your
hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are
carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or
carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it."

Just decide to do it.

Susie and her sister moved their mother from her home of 50 years to
an assisted living Alzheimer's facility. At the beginning of this
process, their mother had anger, hurt, and resentment toward her
daughters and her new situation.

From the time of taking their mother's car away from her, Susie
and her sister began practicing letting go of their mother's anger,
while allowing her to feel her feelings. They continually practiced
forgiving the words of anger that were directed toward them and just
sent her love.

Susie practiced a "Thirty-Nine Day Prayer of Forgiveness" given to
her by Shaman Connie Parkinson to help with this situation with her
mother. She's used it before to help heal a broken relationship.

Here it is--along with an explanation--and we urge you
to try it. It really works!

"Every day, for 39 days, all alone and in private, you say
the following:

(Name), I thank you for all you have done to me and those
I love. I ask your forgiveness for all I have done to you. Let
us begin a new relationship.

(Your own name), I love you. You are an exceptionally
wonderful and beautiful person and I approve of you.

This prayer is extremely simple, It's extremely hard, it's
extremely effective. By thanking the one who has injured
you, you are putting yourself a little bit in that person's
place, and you are recognizing that everyone is driven by
impulses we are not to know, and that everything that
happens to you is for your growth and your good."

By asking forgiveness for yourself, you are recognizing that
you had a part in the relationship. By telling yourself that
you love and approve of you, you are renewing strength
in the one human being in your life who can truly help you--
yourself.

The 3 is for the triune spiritual effect of will, action, and
manifestation. The 9 brings an ending to your grief and
anger and resentment against the person. The prayer
itself opens you to a new understanding of both yourself
and the one who injured you. The only thing you are
trying to change is yourself and your emotions. As for
the relationship, wait and see. You could be surprised
how you'll feel toward this person at the end of 39 days."

Along with this exercise, if you want to move toward forgiveness in your life, here are two questions for you to answer that will help you in this process:

*Who do I need to forgive?
*What step do I need to take to begin this process?

We encourage you to start today to do what you know that you need to do to begin letting go of what you have been holding onto and moving into creating the life and having the love that you want.
*************************


Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and
Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including
"Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship
Trust" "Communication Magic" and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition
to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars
on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this
or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit
http://www.collinspartners.com

Why is it so hard to forgive?

Often forgiveness can be very difficult if I am unwilling to take all the steps in the process of forgiving. A common difficulty is being unwilling to express anger and rage. I was unwilling to say what I thought to my mother. I was concerned that she may get upset. I thought it was bad to do things that may upset her. I did not really enjoy spending time with her. I did not feel the freedom when I was with her that I felt when I was on my own. There were so many things that I held myself back from saying to my mother when I was talking to her. I eventually did start saying what I really wanted me to say. My mother felt hurt. She felt angry, and said "you are saying I was not a good mother." I felt shocked. I felt guilty for saying things that I had not said before. I felt very uncomfortable as I said "I am not saying that you weren't a good mother." I explained to her what I meant to say, and she responded openly. I now see that many forms of expression were not accepted in my family. We were not allowed to say "bad" things. We often did not express our true feelings if we felt anger, hurt or rage. I learned to hold my feelings in. Even to this day often am often unwilling to acknowledge, feel and express these feelings. Without that expression, the forgiveness is more superficial. It is not complete forgiveness unless I am willing to go deeper.